What Your Watch Says About You
Twenty-one watches, twenty-one men, one line each: John LeFevre on what the thing on your wrist is telling everyone else.
By Beau Brummell · October 31, 2026 · 5 min read
A watch is the one piece of jewellery most men will admit to wearing, and the one they assume nobody reads. Everybody reads it. John LeFevre has been reading them since his Wall Street days, and this is his field guide: twenty-one watches, twenty-one men, one line each.
The lines are John's. They are not meant kindly. If you want the polite version, the brand-by-brand translation into cars is in Watches, Explained. This is the other one.
Rolex
Bought it with his first bonus to stop the bullying.
Photo: Alesili / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 3.0
Two-tone Datejust
Gullible enough to believe it when the AD said he'd move him up the list for a real watch.
Photo: anna2005 / Wikimedia Commons (CC0)
Cartier
It was a gift from a girlfriend who won't let him attend bachelor parties.
Photo: Guy Sie / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 2.0
Richard Mille
Still goes clubbing after 40, and wears it every day except when he's being deposed for fraud.
Photo: Y.Leclercq / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
TAG Heuer
Got it for his 18th birthday and then never amounted to anything.
Photo: DavidBSV12 / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
Patek Philippe
Judges you if you don't recognize it, and makes sure you notice.
Photo: Patek Philippe SA / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
F.P. Journe
Threatened to leave California until the board invented a new class of stock.
Photo: Rama / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 2.0 fr
Tudor
Drives a Toyota but says, "it's basically a Lexus."
Photo: Temsonmie / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 3.0. Tudor is Rolex’s sister brand.
Audemars Piguet
Uses Instagram like a chick, and still tells Vegas stories.
Photo: Peripitus / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY 3.0
Vacheron Constantin
Has two Rolexes at home, and no regard for your opinion about anything.
Photo: Charles J. Sharp / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
Hublot
Owns a chain of car washes but says he's in private equity.
Photo: Yorqulov Husan / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY 4.0
Jaeger-LeCoultre
Thinks he's James Bond but is watching porn alone at 2 a.m.
Photo: Tiberido / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
Omega
His dentist lives a more interesting life.
Photo: Neil A. Armstrong / NASA (Public domain). Buzz Aldrin on the Moon, July 1969; he wore an Omega Speedmaster.
IWC
Never gets promoted, and his wife cheats on him.
Photo: 颐园居 / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
Panerai
The action-hero watch for guys who brag about cheating on their wives.
Photo: Daniel Zimmermann / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY 2.0
Breitling
Regional sales, medical devices. He flew on a Cessna once and still talks about it.
Photo: Torsten Bolten / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 3.0
Apple Watch
Hits on girls by talking about Padel and his biomarkers.
Photo: David Adam Kess / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0
Grand Seiko
Doesn't get invited to parties.
Photo: Faustine seiko / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 3.0
Whoop
Hasn't worn a watch since the Series A.
Photo: 4300streetcar / Wikimedia Commons, CC BY 4.0. Whoop’s headquarters, Boston.
No watch
When he controls time, he decides what time it is. Or he's just poor.
Two watches at once
So he'll know what time to get out of the next FTX.
The verdict
Read the list twice and the pattern shows. Almost nobody gets out clean. The expensive watches are vanity, the sensible ones are dull, and the man who wears none is either the most powerful person in the room or broke.
Choose the message first. Then choose the watch. For the brand-by-brand version, with the car each one drives and the model worth buying, read Watches, Explained.
Further reading
The lines in this article are John LeFevre's. Photographs are credited under each watch.
What your watch says about you: quick answers
What does a Rolex say about you?
In John LeFevre's telling, that you bought it with your first bonus to stop the bullying. A two-tone Datejust says you believed the dealer who promised to move you up the list for a real watch.
What does a Patek Philippe say about you?
That you judge people who don't recognize it, and make sure they notice.
What does an Apple Watch say about you?
That you hit on girls by talking about Padel and your biomarkers.
What does not wearing a watch say about you?
Either that you control time and decide what time it is, or that you are just poor.
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