How To Be A Man: 115 Rules, Explained

Every few years someone publishes a list of rules for being a man, and every few years the internet argues about it. The arguments are the point. A rule you never argue with is a rule you never think about.

John LeFevre has been writing this list, in one form or another, since the GSElevator days. An early version ran in Business Insider in 2013 as the Unofficial Goldman Sachs Guide To Being A Man. It was rewritten on Medium in 2018. The current edition, How To Be A Man, went up as an X Article in January 2026 and has been read more than 845,000 times and bookmarked more than 4,400 times.

Below are all 115 rules, word for word as John wrote them, shown in bold. We've sorted them by theme. The commentary between them is ours. It explains why each group of rules exists, because most of them are less about manners than about one idea: a man is judged on what he does when nobody is keeping score.

Money: spend it like a gentleman

Money rules come first because money is where character shows fastest. Watch a man at the end of a dinner and you learn most of what you need to know.

• Never split a check.
• Tip more than you should. It’s more local and more effective than most charities
• Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
• If it’s a problem money can solve, it’s not a problem.
• You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
• Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
• If you come from money, embrace it. We live in a world that rewards intelligence, hard work, creativity, and risk-taking.
• The cliché is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.
• When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. And spend money to acquire their work.
• Gift randomly
• When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
• Time is too short to do your own laundry.

Read together, these are not rules about having money. They are rules about not being cheap. Splitting a check, under-tipping and turning up empty-handed all send the same message: I am keeping count. The man who carries cash, tips the bartender who bought him a round and brings a bottle to the party is saying the opposite.

The two most useful lines here are about perspective. "If it's a problem money can solve, it's not a problem" sorts every bad day into two piles. And the line about spontaneity is the best answer to the question of what money is actually for. Not a bigger number on a statement. The ability to say yes.

Women: courage, then consideration

The dating rules swing between bold and old-fashioned, and that is deliberate. The bold ones are about nerve. The old-fashioned ones are about respect.

• When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
• Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
• Never cancel dinner plans with a woman by text message.
• Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
• Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
• Don't date while broke, out of shape, or in chaos—fix your foundation first, or relationships become distractions, not multipliers.
• Never date an ex of your friend.
• One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
• Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
• If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
• Hookers aren’t cool, but the free ones are a lot more expensive.

Notice the order of operations in "Don't date while broke, out of shape, or in chaos." It is the least romantic rule on the list and probably the most important. Relationships multiply what you already are. If you are a mess, you get a bigger mess.

The rule about the person you are 20% of the time is the sharpest one here. Everyone has a best version. Nobody can be it on demand. A partner who expects that is not in love with you; she is in love with a highlight reel.

Family: the long game

• True wealth is blood and soil – kids and land.
• Appreciate your parents. When they die, you become an orphan.
• When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
• Never admonish or criticize a partner in the presence of others.
• Suck it up every now and then, especially for your family.

These are short because they don't need defending. "When they die, you become an orphan" is the kind of sentence that changes how a grown man spends his Saturdays. And the rule about never criticizing a partner in front of others is the line between a marriage and a performance. Disagree at home. Present a united front everywhere else.

Manners: small courtesies, big signals

Etiquette gets mocked as stuffy. The rules below aren't stuffy. They are mostly about not making other people uncomfortable, and about not making yourself look small.

• Never respond to a compliment with a compliment. The correct response is, “Thank you.”
• Say "Thank you" even when texting, not "Thanks" or "Thx".
• The correct response to being told something you already know isn’t “I know.” It’s “You’re right.”
• Never make a scene.
• Don’t stare.
• Never ask the same question twice.
• When you meet someone for the second time, remind them what your name is
• “Remember when” is the lowest form of conversation.
• Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.
• Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious.
• Never show that you're impressed.
• Act like you’ve been there before.
• Know at least one good joke.
• When giving a toast, short and sweet is always best.
• When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
• Don’t fill up on bread.

The thread running through these is restraint. Don't stare, don't repeat yourself, don't name-drop, don't place-drop, don't look impressed. Each one is a way of letting the room breathe.

Two of them do more work than they look like they should. "You're right" instead of "I know" costs you nothing and ends a thousand small arguments before they start. And reminding someone of your name the second time you meet saves them the embarrassment of pretending to remember it. Good manners are mostly a habit of sparing other people small humiliations.

Style: deliberate, never loud

• Facial hair should appear deliberate.
• Your clothes do not match. They go together.
• Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
• If you wear cologne, no one should smell it from five feet away or five minutes after you’ve left.
• Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
• Invest in great luggage.
• Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.

There is a consistent philosophy here: buy fewer, better things and look like you meant it. Facial hair that "appears deliberate." Clothes that "go together" instead of matching. A tuxedo you own and still fit into. Luggage that lasts. Cologne nobody notices until they're close.

"Burn your khakis" will get the most pushback, and it should. It is a rule against the uniform of not trying. A suit or jeans are both choices. Business casual is the absence of one.

Nights out: know when to leave

• Never be the last one in the pool.
• Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
• People get tired of the funny, drunk guy.
• You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
• Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row unless something really good comes up on the third night.
• When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
• Never park in front of a bar.
• If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
• If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
• Be a regular at more than one bar.
• Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
• A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

The drinking rules are, almost entirely, rules about leaving. Leave the pool before you're the last one in it. Skip the last whiskey. Don't be the funny drunk guy, because everyone eventually gets tired of him. Don't go out a third night in a row. Don't go where you weren't invited.

The rules for where to drink matter as much as when. Be a regular, at more than one bar. Sit at the bar when you eat alone. Walk past the velvet rope. A regular gets a better drink, a better seat and better company than a stranger paying a cover charge.

Body: the easiest edge there is

• In a world where 70% of men are overweight, getting in shape is the easiest way to demonstrate high-value status
• Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
• Play competitive sports for as long as you can.
• It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s. But, in your 40s, get serious about health & fitness.
• Don’t chase cheap dopamine – drugs, porn, and video games. Choose real life.
• Watch the sun rise. Take an early morning walk: Fresh air, vitamin D, exercise, more productive days, quiet reflection, and much better sleep.
• Ask for a salad instead of fries.
• Go to bed tired

The line doing the heavy lifting is the first one. When most men are overweight, getting in shape is the cheapest way to stand out, and it is entirely within your control. Nobody needs a trainer to do fifty push-ups before a shower.

The rule about trading your 80s for your 20s is the honest one. It admits that youth is for fun, then sets a deadline. In your 40s, it stops being optional.

Temperament: how to carry yourself

This is the longest section because it is the hardest one. Anyone can tip well. Fewer people can let go of an argument.

• Never harp, worry, or wallow. It doesn't help.
• Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
• Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.
• Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
• Staying angry is a waste of energy.
• It’s okay to forgive, as long as you don’t forget.
• Admit it when you’re wrong, and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
• There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
• Be kind. Life is hard enough as it is.
• Measure yourself only against your previous self.
• If you smile at the world, the world smiles back. You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from." if something “bad” happens to you, you won’t really know if that event was actually good or bad for another 5 or 10 years. And the answer is within your control.
• Accept your reality Never stop trying to improve your reality. But along the way, accept it. This is the secret to happiness.
• Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life. There may still be a mortally wounded Russian mobster roaming the woods of south Jersey, but we’ll never know.
• Don’t argue with idiots, especially online.
• Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.

There is a tension in here that is worth keeping, not resolving. "Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger" sits right next to "Staying angry is a waste of energy." Forgive, but don't forget. Be kind, but stand up to bullies. The man these rules describe is neither a pushover nor a brawler. He settles things and moves on.

"Measure yourself only against your previous self" and "There's always another level" are the two halves of contentment. Keep climbing. Don't compare your view to somebody else's.

How to live: the daily stuff

The last group is about habits and attention: how you spend your mornings, your evenings and the hours in between.

• Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain.
• Never stop learning. Feed and nurture an intellectual curiosity. You can get an MBA on YouTube.
• Set goals. Write them down.
• Focus on the habits, not the goals, and “the score takes care of itself.”
• Don’t wait for the perfect pitch Real life is not baseball. There’s no free trip to first base, and you’re not limited to three strikes. Just keep swinging.
• You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.
• Be spontaneous.
• Spin plates. Collect lottery tickets. Life is about the unknown unknowns.
• Social media is a waste of time except for X. But it’s down to you to curate – and you get 100 experts, analysts, and personal assistants for free.
• Put your cell phone away. You probably use it too often and at the wrong moments.
• No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a wonderful companion.
• Know when to ignore the camera.
• Don’t waste time on pro sports or mainstream media. Instead, go ride a horse or get SCUBA certified, and limit media to just enough for cultural awareness.
• Know your way around a kitchen.
• Throw parties. But have someone else clean up the next day.
• Eat brunch with friends as often as possible.
• Nurture a handful of close friendships. It’s sounds obvious, but you can choose your friends.
• Value a handful of truly close friends over a hundred acquaintances.
• If you offer to help, don’t quit until the job is done.
• If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
• If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.
• Manual labor is therapy. A suntan is not bought; it is earned.
• A long walk, fly fishing, or backgammon with a friend is better than therapy
• You don’t have to keep every secret, just the important ones.
• Remember: You die twice, once when you stop breathing, and again when somebody mentions your name for the last time.
• Celebrating birthdays is for women and children

A lot of this list is a case against the screen. Put the phone away. Curate what you read. Skip the selfie and have the moment instead. Skip the game on TV and go ride a horse. The rest is a case for doing things with your hands and with other people: cooking, throwing parties, fly fishing, backgammon, brunch.

"You die twice" is the line most people will remember. It is also the best summary of why any of these rules matter. Nobody will mention your tie at your funeral. They will mention whether you showed up, picked up the check and made the night better.

The short version

Strip away the jokes and the provocations and this list asks for four things. Be generous. Be discreet. Take care of your body and your family. Know when to leave.

The rest is detail. As one of the rules has it, rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men. Use them as a guide, argue with the ones you don't like, and then go to bed tired.

Rules: John LeFevre, How To Be A Man, X, January 24, 2026. Earlier editions: Business Insider, 2013 and Medium, 2018.