The Definitive Guide to Air Travel

Most air travel advice is the same handful of tips: check in early, use CLEAR, stay hydrated, collect points. John LeFevre opened his own guide by making fun of exactly that kind of list.

His version, "The Definitive Guide To Air Travel," ran in The Graze in April 2023. He started from a blunt premise:

"Simply put, there’s nothing glamorous or exciting about commercial air travel, especially domestically in the US. And it would appear that COVID has broken people’s brains. It’s like people forgot how to fly."

What followed was "the accumulated wisdom of my years traversing the globe — a definitive guide to making air travel palatable for you and those around you." The original ran 40 rules, some of them written strictly for laughs. Below are 21 of the most useful, quoted exactly as John wrote them and grouped by stage of the trip. The commentary is ours.

Booking

• It’s expensive to fly cheap. Never fly an airline where your checked bags might cost more than your seat. The experience sucks and you don’t actually save much - least of all, time.
• Only use Frequent Flyer miles for upgrades on international flights.
• If you get stuck with a middle seat, take the next flight.
• Unless it’s to a remote island, when possible, the word “Connection” should not appear on your itinerary.

"It's expensive to fly cheap" is the rule everything else follows from. The ticket price is only part of the cost. Bag fees, bad seats, missed connections and lost hours add up quickly. Paying a little more for a nonstop on a decent airline is often the cheapest choice once you count your time.

The connection rule is the one to take most seriously. Every connection is another chance for a delay to turn into a missed flight and a night in an airport hotel.

Packing and getting through security

• Buy expensive luggage. It should last a lifetime, come with free repairs, and be easy to identify on a conveyor.
• Wear pants (never shorts) and a jacket with zipper pockets. Put all your stuff in the pockets before the x-ray machine.
• Spare change should never be the reason for holding up the security line. Just don’t ever keep change, period.

The security line is where most of the stress of flying happens, and almost all of it is avoidable. Put everything in your jacket pockets before you reach the bins. Don't carry change. You'll be through before the person behind you has untied his shoes.

At the airport

• Skip the lounge on domestic flights. They’re inconveniently located and overcrowded with Willy Loman types and sadly-entitled Amex cardholders. The food sucks, and the free drinks are cheap.
• Most airports now have (relatively) nice restaurants closer to gates, with high prices that keep the riffraff out, and ample outlets.
• Don’t waste your time with Starbucks. It’s where all the amateurs are.
• If you buy something and the cashier flips around a tablet, be prepared to tip for something you never have to tip for anywhere else. (A 20% tip for a bottled water and gum?)
• Find the less-trafficked bathrooms. The ones close to the gates get destroyed by disembarking passengers.

John's view of domestic lounges is blunt, and hard to argue with. On a short domestic trip, a lounge is often a long walk from your gate and as crowded as the terminal. A decent restaurant near the gate is usually the better choice.

The tablet-tipping rule needs no explanation for anyone who has flown recently.

On board

• Moisturize your face.
• No first class selfies or Instagram pics from the Centurion lounge. Act like you’ve been there before.
• Never ask me to trade seats, unless you’re offering an equal or better seat. I don’t care what the reason is; plan ahead or shut up.
• It’s a Boeing, not an Antonov. You don’t need huge noise-canceling earphones. AirPods work fine.
• The exit row is first class for poor people.

The seat rule is one of John's most consistent positions. It also appears, almost word for word, in his Etiquette 101 list: "Don't ask to trade seats on a plane, unless you're offering an equal or better seat." Choose your seat when you book. That's what the seat map is for.

"Act like you've been there before" is good advice anywhere, and nowhere more than at the front of the plane.

In the air

• Don’t use the WiFi. It’s slow and you’ll end up doing exactly what you do at your desk. Watch a movie, read a short classic you can finish on the flight, listen to an instructive audio book that lulls you to sleep, or tune out and shut off for awhile.
• Unless you are flying first class internationally, never eat the food.
• Still think Gucci and Louis Vuitton purses are nice? Just count how many you see in Economy class.

The Wi-Fi rule is the most underrated on the list. A flight is one of the last places where nobody can reach you. Use it. Read something you've been putting off, watch a movie, or sleep.

The handbag rule is a sharp observation about status. Things that are everywhere stop signaling anything.

The last word

• Sorry, if it’s got propellers, it doesn’t count as a private plane.

The short version

Pay for a nonstop. Pack light. Dress so you can clear security in seconds. Eat somewhere decent near the gate, board last, stay in your seat, and leave the laptop closed. Flying will never be glamorous again, but it doesn't have to be miserable.

Source: John LeFevre, "The Definitive Guide To Air Travel," The Graze, April 7, 2023.