Etiquette 101: 32 Rules for Modern Manners

Etiquette has a bad reputation. People hear the word and picture salad forks and finishing schools. Real etiquette is simpler than that. It's a set of small habits that make the people around you more comfortable and make you look like someone worth knowing.

John LeFevre posted a list of his pet peeves for National Etiquette Week in May 2024. Three months later he sharpened it into Etiquette 101, adding one rule to the top. That version was viewed more than 400,000 times and bookmarked more than 3,000 times, which tells you people were saving it to send to someone.

It's worth knowing how the original was framed. The May version opened: "Ignoring the obvious, and addressing my pet peeves." That's the key to reading this list. It skips the basics everyone already knows, like chewing with your mouth closed and saying please. It goes straight to the small things people get wrong every day without realizing it, which is exactly why they're worth writing down. Most bad manners aren't malicious. They're unexamined.

Here are all 32 rules, exactly as John wrote them, sorted by theme. The commentary is ours.

Conversation

• The correct response to being told something you already know isn’t “I know.” It’s “You’re right”
• Don't ask someone what their job is, or where they went to school. It's lazy and boring
• Don't tell people it's your birthday
• Never respond to a compliment with a compliment
• Don't address someone by a nickname unless you know them well
• Never show that you're impressed
• Name-dropping is awful, and nickname dropping is worse
• When you meet someone for the 2nd time, remind them what your name is

The first rule is the one John chose to put at the top, and it's the best one. "You're right" ends a conversation on a good note. "I know" ends it on a small insult. Same information, different person.

The rule about jobs and colleges isn't about being rude. It's about being lazy. Those questions are the conversational equivalent of a handshake through a glove. Ask what someone's been up to, where they're headed this summer, what they're reading. You'll learn more, and they'll remember you for it.

Don't tell people it's your birthday. Don't volley a compliment back. Don't look impressed. Don't name-drop. Each one is a way of keeping attention off yourself, which is, oddly, how you get it.

Phones and messages

• Respond to text messages promptly
• Log off a Zoom if you have poor reception
• Using a phone is like a yawn; it's contagious. Put it away when you're with other people
• Say "Thank you" even when texting, not "Thanks" or "Thx"
• Don't leave voicemails, or when necessary, make them brief

These five are the modern part of the list, and they may be the most broken manners of all. The phone rule has the best line: "Using a phone is like a yawn; it's contagious." One person checks, then everyone does, and the table is gone.

Respond to texts promptly, write "Thank you" in full, and keep voicemails short or skip them. None of this takes more than a few seconds. All of it tells the other person they matter.

Women

• Hold doors open for women, but go through revolving doors first
• Always open a car door for a woman, but if you're sharing the back seat, enter first, and scoot
• Walk with the flow, or at the pace of the woman you're with
• If you want to buy a woman a drink, ask her permission

These are old-fashioned on purpose, with practical exceptions built in. Hold the door, but go first through a revolving one, because pushing it is the job. Open the car door, but slide in first in the back seat so she doesn't have to scoot across. Walk at her pace.

The drink rule is the one that would surprise people who think these lists are stuck in the past. Asking first isn't timid. It's confident.

Money

• Never split a check
• Always carry cash
• Gift randomly
• Tip more than you should

A version of the check rule also appears in How To Be A Man and 99 Rules To Live By. Someone pays. Next time, someone else does. Splitting turns a meal with friends into an accounting exercise.

"Gift randomly" is a quiet favorite. A gift on a birthday is expected. A gift on a Tuesday is remembered.

Restaurants and bars

• Don't make transformative modifications to menu items
• Eat slowly
• Be patient with bartenders; there's no line for drinks at your refrigerator

The menu rule is about trust. A restaurant built that dish on purpose. Order it, or order something else. And the bartender rule has the best line in the list: "there's no line for drinks at your refrigerator." You chose to be there. Act like it.

Public spaces

• Stand up to shake hands
• No hats or sunglasses inside
• Don't ask to trade seats on a plane, unless you’re offering an equal or better seat
• Get on and off an elevator last

Stand up to shake hands. Take off the hat and sunglasses. Don't ask a stranger to give up the seat he picked unless you're offering one at least as good. Get on and off an elevator last.

Each of these is about yielding a little ground. That's what manners are in public: small, voluntary concessions that make shared space work.

Keeping your word

• If you offer to help, never quit until the job is done
• Don't say "yes" when you mean "no"
• Don't cancel plans on the day of
• Never admonish or criticize a partner in the presence of others

The last group is the most important and the least about manners. It's about reliability. Finish what you start. Say no when you mean no. Don't cancel the day of. Never criticize your partner in front of other people.

These are the rules that decide whether people trust you. Everything else on the list decides whether they enjoy your company.

Why it matters more than it used to

Manners used to be enforced by small communities. Everybody knew everybody, and rudeness had a cost. Today most of our interactions are with strangers, on screens or in passing, and the cost has largely disappeared. That makes good manners rarer, which makes them more valuable. In a room full of people looking at their phones, the man who stands up, looks you in the eye and remembers your name is the one you remember.

The short version

Good manners come down to two habits: notice other people, and don't make them pay for your convenience. Stand up, put the phone away, pick up the check, show up when you said you would, and say "Thank you." The rest follows.

Sources: John LeFevre, Etiquette 101, X, August 2024; National Etiquette Week, X, May 2024.